the unknown

if i haven’t already said this for you a million times, well, then you’re going to hear it again-i started school about two weeks ago, and yes it’s torture obviously, but i just realized something.

i don’t know who i am.

i hang out with a variety of people, mostly i just find someone in my class period to talk to. and i hate awkward silences, so i avoid them. and i realized that my method of avoiding silences is by changing my personality. every person i hang out with gets a different side of me. i change to accommodate what they like in a friend, so they’ll want to talk to me. here, let me break it down for you.

• my mom: caring
• my dad: joking and mostly avoiding messing up so he doesn’t yell at me.
• my sister: prank-y. i insult her all the time.
• my brothers: kind of mean, actually. i’m always scolding them for doing something wrong, and i really want to stop, but they’re just so annoying…
• friend M: trying so, so hard to say witty things. listening to her, but she always talks about herself, and never asks about me, but whatever.
• friend C: same as friend M. i’m pretty sure she hates me, so i constantly have to watch what i’m saying/doing.
• friend I: talk talk talk.
• friend K: try to be funny, which i’m totally not.
• friend H: loud and energetic
• friend S: everything is homework!!111!!
• friend P: talk talk talk.

i don’t really know if you can tell, but i’m not the same person for all these people. i’m constantly changing how i act and speak. i wanted to just stay the same person, but i also realized that i don’t know who that person is. i guess i’ve been changing for so long, that i don’t even know who i really am, how to act, what to say. i’m not a consistent person. i don’t know who i want to be, or how i want to act, or how i want to sound like.

i guess i’ve just been so focused on pleasing everyone around me that i never got around to pleasing myself. what kind of person do i want myself to be?

that’s what terrifies me.

i
don’t
know.